A good day and a not-so-good day

Monday was Christopher's birthday.  I was afraid that it would get lost in all the chaos of last week, but I think we managed to make a pretty good day for him.  He requested just light healthy food for dinner, after the eating out and treats of having company in town, so we made some artichokes to go with dinner.  After that, we headed out to go roller skating. 

It was packed in there!  But you know what, I think we all still had a blast.  And with the coupons, it cost us $6.

That picture just melts my heart when I look at it.

When the kids got weary of trying the roller skates, we would break out the scooter and let them zoom around for a few laps.

And sometimes, Daddy would just pick them up and zoom around.  They both thought that was really fun.

He asked for a banana cream pie instead of a cake, and while my mom and I picked the most elaborate recipe out there and ended up making it twice when my mom mistook my baking soda box for the cornstarch she needed (you should have seen the pudding bubble . . .) we had a lot of fun making it.  So yummy.

The next morning was something we have been anxiously awaiting for some time now - the ultrasound.  I can honestly say that I have been nervous about it since before we got pregnant.  One of my counter-arguments for having another child was "but what if we end up with another girl instead of a boy?"  I know I should say "we would be happy either way", but . . . we really, really wanted a boy.  It has always made us laugh how 100% GIRL our Kaitlyn is.  From the hairbows on her head to her painted toenails, with a new dress-up every hour and a love for cleaning and taking care of babies, Kaitlyn made us feel quite fulfilled in the girl department.  Tyler, on the other hand, is quite boy - but we really wanted him to have a boy peer model to show him how to do boy things.  And Daddy still had a bit of an ache for a boy to play sports competitively.

And so we went to the ultrasound quite nervous.  This is a game of Russian Roulette, in some sense, and we only had a 50/50 shot.

And we lost.

It is a girl.

Part of me is glad I know this now, so I have 20 more weeks to cope before she comes.  And part of me wishes that I found out when I was holding her so I would be converted by how cute she is.  In the meantime, I am  trying to come to terms with it.  I know this sounds terrible to say, and I know that soon I will be very grateful that she is checking out very healthy so far.  But right now, I don't even want to look at the ultrasound pictures long enough to scan them in for this blog.  I don't want to talk too much about it, because I need to change my thinking and move on.  But suffice it to say that I'm not really ready for comments like "congratulations!" and so forth just yet.  I just have to come to terms with the fact that I got pregnant in part because I felt like one more boy would complete our family, and now I don't have him.  And probably never will, because two girls is already more of a lopside than Christopher or I wanted and if we tried again and got another girl I think I would emotionally not get over it.  I know lots of families with all girls, and some people love that - but Christopher and I grew up in boy-heavy families and just never saw our family in this way.

But I remember seeing kids with disabilities before I had Tyler and thinking that I would be the worst possible mom for that sort of kid, and I have adapted the best I can there too.