Been thinking.

A couple of things have really got me thinking lately. They aren't related actually. But they have both been on my mind.

1. A week ago, I was meeting with a friend in the RS Presidency for my VT interview. (If that load of LDS garble meant nothing to you, don't sweat it.) We were chatting about odd things, and at one point were ranting about our least favorite chore. Mine is dishes and washing the counter. I told her that it isn't my house if there aren't dishes to be done. Or, more accurately, my mother isn't currently in town to clean up faster than I can blink (sorry for being such a dissapointment, mom . . .). She said hers is laundry. I think what gets us in each case is that they just never get DONE. You finish them, sure. But then next time you turn around they need to get done all over again. I could clean my kitchen counter 5 times every day, but since we all eat there and toddlers never contain messes to just their plates, it will get messy again faster than I realize.

I then confessed that I am really struggling lately. Not with actual problems that can be fixed, though I certainly have those too. But I told her I felt exactly like I did my senior year of high school, which was a rather tough time for me. I won't go into detail, since it is rather personal. I just feel like . . . like I've been working hard on things, and then stopping now to wonder if that is even where I want to be in the first place. Like I'm not sure that I want to be where everybody else thinks I should be (or even thinks I already am). And I hate that. Because I thought I worked through this. I had a rough time with this last time, and for years I was so much stronger and happy with where my life was, and now I am doing it all over again.

And she pointed out that maybe sometimes life is like that chore that never gets done fully. We can clean things, we can "finish" the job, but inside I am still the same person with the same strengths and faults that struggled last time. And if I solved things last time, I can work it out this time.

I'm working hard to see the optimism in that statement. Because sometimes I just want to give up. Sometimes I think that if I watch my little girl wreck something I just finished cleaning one more time, I am just going to give up trying to clean it in the first place. Kinda like how I stopped going to the gym when months of daily workouts never lost me a pound. And I feel like that internally now.

I don't have the answer now, but it is something I am thinking about.

2. The next thing that really has been hard this week happened to someone I barely know. My older brother had a best friend in high school, and I knew his younger sister fairly well. At the younger sister's wedding reception, I got to meet Steven's wife Catie and hear about their family. They had two little kids, and it turned out that we were expecting at about the same time. I didn't talk to them terribly long, but they had a good, happy little life out East where he was teaching at a college. I started watching their blog shortly after that- I never commented, but I liked keeping up with them.

Instead of being born the same time as Kaitlyn, their little girl ended up being born as soon as it was safe to take her, because Catie was diagnosed with cancer and they had to get treatment started. Thankfully that little 2 lbs girl was nursed into a healthy toddler now. But after a couple of years of struggle, Catie passed away last week. Her children are 6, 4 and 2 now. And I just cried.

She wasn't that much older than me. She wasn't that much different from me, on paper. But she was stronger than me, I know that much. By all accounts, she was a wonderful and loving mom. Her blog was entitled "Our Life is Good", and at times it was rather hard to follow how her health was doing because she only talked about the good things in her life. She talked about what mattered to her: how much fun she had with her children recently, how wonderful her friends were that came to visit or ran a race in her honor, how much she loved her husband. After her death, her husband posted that it struck him when he started collecting photos how she never lost the gleam of happiness and hope in her eyes, even at the end when she was in so much pain. He said that she never lost her faith or her optimism, in public or in private.

What an amazing thing to have said about you. I lose my optimism all the time, and I'm not even facing anything! I've been trying to take that example lately, and enjoy the time that I spend with my little kids every day. I guess it just reminds you that every day is a blessing from God, and not something to be wasted.

Tyler moment

Tyler is a funny guy. Lately I have been really struggling with . . . hopelessness about him. I just don't see progress like I want to. One of our biggest struggles is getting him to actively care about the world around him enough to communicate and change it. That's a simple thing for most kids- they want juice, so they ask for juice. But Tyler just waits and hopes for things silently.

The other night I made a dessert for FHE night. Kaitlyn loved it, but Tyler wouldn't touch it. Just skuttled back from it as though it was going to eat him instead. The next day for lunch, he was eating rather well so I thought I would put a small slice on his plate for him. But then he said "NO! I don't want it!" and pushed it away. For Tyler that was awesome! I don't know why he is so upset over a dessert, but I guess whatever motivates him is good with me.

But my favorite Tyler moment is one his teacher told me about today. I guess yesterday when he came into the classroom he went to the center of the room and looked around as though he had never seen the place before. And then he spread his arms out and said "this is WONDERFUL!" The aides all said it made their day.

On the down side, he has somehow learned the chorus to Bad Romance from Lady GaGa. Daddy is encouraging this, which worries me. "Ro - ma , ro - ma - LA! Ro - ma, Ro - ma -LA! I got a RO - MA!"

Kaitlyn's first haircut

Well, I decided it was finally time. As much as I love putting Kaitlyn's hair into pigtails and such, the ends were just scraggly baby hair, and it need to get evened up a bit. So I asked my neighbor friend Julane, and she gave Kaitlyn this cute little bob! And now, a before and after:

In case you are wondering, her hair is that curly for the first day, slowly falling down until it is mostly straight the day after a wash. But really all it took for that look was some shine serum and a little bit of gel. I am rather jealous.

After getting the haircut, we got to spend time with some friends at Kangaroo Zoo, a local bounce house. This was Kaitlyn's first time old enough to go up and down everything on her own, and she sure took advantage of that. I had a hard time keeping track when two kids would run in opposite directions at once!

I hate the shadow on this next picture, but I love seeing her tongue stick out for the water as she reaches on her tippy toes. Once she discovered this drinking fountain, she didn't want to do anything else. Her shirt was soaked, but every time I took her away she ran right back to it.

Learning how to learn

I learned a lot from being a teacher, but one lesson in particular has always stuck out. You see, when I was a student, I never wanted to be the one asking dumb questions. I would come in to certain teachers after class, but it really depended on how comfortable I felt with the teacher. You might think it was my peers in the class I was afraid of, but really - it was the teachers. I'd say most of my professors in college never knew my name. And in college, I was particularly stubborn on the Math Lab. BYU has a fantastic Math Lab, where you can go and get help for free on all of your classes. But I never set foot in the place. I was technically qualified to work there, and looking back, I think it was really pride that kept me from going there for help, even when all my friends did. I would rather stuggle on my own, 50 feet away.

When I started teaching high school Algebra, I noticed the students just like me. The ones that kept it to themselves when they didn't understand, but lit up when someone else asked the question for them. I could tell- they didn't want me to know if they struggled. They wanted me to think they knew it all. But you know what never occured to me as a student, or to those kids in my class?

You can't hide from the teacher. The teacher grades your tests, and knows exactly how well you are doing.

So why hide? Why keep all your questions to yourself and hope someone else asks them? Because as a teacher, I had a lot more respect for the kids who asked me questions. I knew what they could do and struggled with, and gave them the benifit of the doubt when I could. It turns out the silent kids like me were a notch down.

Recently I started going to a photography class. And over the first week or two, it suddenly occured to me that I was doing the exact same thing. I felt like I knew more than most of the class- I had my camera for a year before the class started, and read most of the basics on the internet beforehand. And somehow I thought that keeping silent would communicate that to the teacher. Or maybe even just prove it to myself.

So I decided: it was time to change.

The next week, he asked if anyone had pictures to show the class. Keeping in mind my new resolve, I brought up my SD card. It was nervewracking, that's for sure. And he very quickly pointed out a big mistake I had made. But you know what? I wouldn't have known about that mistake otherwise. I am paying for this class to learn. How else am I going to learn?

In fact, I felt so bold that after class I went up and asked him questions.

Now, during the time that I was watching the show with my Grandfather last Saturday, my photography class was meeting in a park to take pictures with the professor and learn on the go. I had asked the teacher what I could do instead, and he told me to take pictures of something- anything. And so I took my camera to the dance that weekend, and took pictures. I adjusted my settings like he showed us to. I stood on a chair in my four and half in heels so I could see the band better, up on their stage. I felt rather silly, wandering around taking pictures while everyone else was enjoying the night. (I told my friends that I felt like a strange band groupie, but they told me I looked like a hired professional photographer. Aww, thanks guys!)

And then ever since that night, I thought about my settings and cringed. Did I do things right? I had to adjust for the dark lighting, so I did things differently than what he told us.

By the time I came into class last night, I had firmy decided not to show my pictures. But when he opened the class, he said asked if anyone had pictures to bring up. And then he looked at ME. "Did you get a chance to take any pictures this weekend?"

Caught.

"Yeah, but it was of my husband's band in a dark-lit Dance, so I'm not really proud of them."

"Well, let's take a look at them- they will be something different."

Deep breath. Long walk up to the front.

He listened while I described the settings I had used and why, along with the struggles I was up against. He showed my pictures to the class and talked about them. And he told that I had used the best settings I could have, given the equipment and the lighting that I had.

I did it right!

They aren't the best shots ever. But just knowing that I did the best I could have really made my night.

I guess you really are never too old to learn!

A really good day

Last Saturday was a really good day, especially considering that I spent 4 hours of it driving. Let me back up for a minute.

I have a cute Grandpa. He is a true gentleman, in relatively good health at 96 years old, and we have been really good friends ever since I was a lonely girl that moved across the country on her own for college three months after my Grandma died. It was perfect timing (as much as I would have loved to know my Grandma better) because we ended up going on many "dates" together. And my Grandpa loves shows. Anything with music and dancing- he has season tickets to Ballet West and the Opera, and every year I have taken him to BYU's Christmas Around the World show. But this year I was in Disneyland the weekend of the performance, so for Christmas I told him I would take him to a different show soon.

So last Saturday I brought him down for a Young Ambassador's show. The four hours of driving was picking him up in Salt Lake and driving him back, but it was totally worth it. We had lunch together, and the show was awesome! The best part was that it was actually the 40th Anniversary for Young Ambassadors. So they had invited all of their alumni from the past 40 years to come back for the show and perform. I don't think that would work for most groups on campus, but if you are good enough to make Young Ambassadors, you are VERY serious about singing and dancing, and I guess you just can't get that out of your system. I thought they would just have them in one number or two, but about two numbers in I noticed - "hang on, there are too many people on stage" which led to "OH! The back row looks like they are 50 years old!" And they were up there, singing and dancing just like the 20 year old front row. I was very impressed. Not to mention, they had some special alumni that got introduced, with long lists of all the Broadway shows they had been on since graduating. One of them in particular just floored me with his "Bring Him Home" from Les Miserables. Wow.

Anyway, after driving my grandpa back up to my Aunt's house, I dashed back down to change for my date. Christopher plays in a little jazz band our former Bishop started, and they were playing in a "Love for Haiti" benifit Ball that night. Since there were two bands playing, we got to enjoy the first half, and then I got to enjoy watching him play the second half.

And here are the Buzztones.

There are a lot of people to sort through in the band, but my husband would be the shaved head in the middle playing the trombone.

They did really well! We (the spouses left in the audience) were worried since they hadn't played together in close to a year, but they were great. They aren't anything fancy- most of them are guys like my husband, who played in high school and college, and now only pick up the instrument for these gigs. But hey, they only charge a couple hundred bucks for weddings, and you get a nearly 20 peice band. So they are certainly worth that!

What a great Valentine's weekend! I got to have two dates with my two of my favorite guys. Who could ask for anything more?

Stinker.

I tell ya, Kaitlyn is a funny little spunk. She always knows how to make us laugh- from the "um . . . no." little comments to the way she gallops around the room. And she is way too smart for her own good. I've mentioned before that I am terrified of potty training, but this girl is going to drag me through it. She is fascinated with it all. Loves to sit on the potty, and has recently taken to taking off her diaper if she goes in it. She started Pull-Ups this morning, and my intention is to take her to the potty a few dozen times every day so she gets the idea, and then go for it. Because for all the interest, she still mostly just sits down, grunts, and tells me "stuck."

But this weekend we had a couple of funny moments with her. Last Saturday we had some friends over playing Wii in the basement. There is a separate bedroom we use as a playroom down there, and the kids generally wander back and forth between watching us play, the random toys in their room there, and occasionally take a trip upstairs for something and bring it down.

Well, a while into the game I noticed that we hadn't seen Kaitlyn in a while. We played another level, and she still didn't show up, so I started to worry. When I got upstairs, I got really scared- the house was quiet. UH oh. So I ran upstairs a bit quicker- and found her asleep in her bed. I guess when I tried to put her down for her nap at 3:30, she didn't want to go. But at 5:30 she decided it was time- and went upstairs, climbed in bed, and went to sleep- blanket and all.

Then, tonight, I once again noticed that she was gone for a while. Oh dear. So I check the playroom- and find a poopy pull-up, sitting (face up, thank heavens) on the carpet. I race upstairs, and find that she had already gotten herself a new pull-up and put it on (wiping apparently not nessesary) and was in bed in her dark room. I will be looking for stray poop residue for days.

So, if you're counting, one night she put herself to bed, and another night she changed her own diaper.

I preferred the first one.

That's why we call her stinker.

Not much

I haven't blogged in a while, but I don't have much to report anyway. Let's see . . .

My birthday was last week. The day itself was a typical day, but I did get one big treat. When the house was quiet (Kaitlyn napping, Tyler at school) and I went to start on my usual chores while I can, I realised how tired I was. And then I remembered it was my birthday. So I took a nap and accomplished nothing. Take that.

I did get a date out of it though, and that was great. We went to Texas Steakhouse, which was great despite the over-crowdedness. (We called ahead to get on the list, and still had to wait when we got there. 2 hours? Seriously?) And then we saw Avatar at the Imax in South Jordan. The visuals are stunning, but it kinda suprises me how little they put into the plot, for the money they sunk into the visual effects. Still worth seeing though. Mostly, I loved just having a night to hang out with my hubby. He's a pretty awesome guy.

Today, Tyler got sick. Can you just feel the misery?

He had a bit of a runny nose yesterday, but today is a "sitting on the couch watching cartoons" day. Poor guy. When I turned off the TV for lunch, he wandered off and tried to play, but kept laying down on the floor for a few minutes before getting up and trying again. Here's hoping we can miraculously prevent Kaitlyn from getting it.

I have my Photography class again tonight! That was a birthday present to myself, I suppose. I'm taking a DSLR class through UVU Community Ed. The first class was good- in a lot of ways I should have taken the intermediate instead of the beginner, but all of my "beginner" knowledge was pieced together from random internet sources, so it is actually great to pull it all together into solid advice from a real human.